[He lets out a low groan of appreciation as he feels deft fingers gently beginning to work against his scalp, guiding his hair back from his face, and he drops one arm around Hythlodaeus' middle as the other comes to rest against his shoulder once more, offering him a touch of stability. It is routine, and a comfortable one at that; Hades has ever been a man who has insisted on doing things for himself, and even when at his best, small acts such as these helped him to set aside the burdens of his day, whatever they may have been.
His burdens now were far greater, and even having been forced to put them down and given the chance to walk forward unhindered, he does not know how. Hythlodaeus has always done his part to help. That he continues to do so even now, even if it seems terribly small in the greater scheme of things, touches him more than he can say.
He exhales slowly; there's little tension left in him to begin with, given the night's deep sleep and the rough fuck they had started their morning with, but what small bit had remained ebbs away from him now, his shoulders dropping as warm water continues to beat against his skin.]
[ he could never forget. even if his mind lost the threads his body remembers, remembers how to touch hades, how to appreciate him, how to love him. it doesn't take long before hades' hair is clean beneath his fingers, and hythlodaeus gently urges his head beneath the spray again, to help wash away the soap until the water runs clear.
with the hot water against his back, hythlodaeus tips his brow to hades' and closes his eyes, both arms resting languidly around his shoulders. he hums, swaying gently in place while the warm shower beats down upon their bodies. ]
I cannot know how long it shall take me to stop saying how much I missed you..
[It is a familiar ritual that he allows himself to be lead through, just as he himself had steered Hythlodaeus through the first steps. They are both well-practiced, and it's not long before his own hair is rinsed clean, the water doing its part to rid the both of them of the sheen of sweat and smell of sex that clings so stubbornly.
His smile warms at the affectionate press of their brows, drawing his hand from the small of Hythlodaeus' back all the way up the length of his spine, allowing it to rest gently at the back of his neck as he closes his eyes in turn. It is a small but perfect moment, one in which he does not question who he is or where he belongs.
Hythlodaeus could never make him question his place in the world as it is now. Beyond the door to their room, he knows not if he even has the right to walk among the people who call this star home, but here, he can be himself, or something closer to who he once was.]
Say it as much as you like— I'll never tire of hearing it.
[Nor will he tire of saying it himself.]
I missed you.
[He thought they had said goodbye forever, and then, when the plan that had given him the faintest glimmer of hope that they might see one another had gone awry...
For so long, all he could do was content himself with a shadow of the past, an echo, and that was never going to be enough, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise.]
[ a smile blooms across his features, loving and fond. ]
Then I shall say it as much as you like.
[ hythlodaeus' hands smooth over hades' broad shoulders, and down his arms. ]
I missed touching you.
[ his chin tips upward, stealing hades' mouth in another long, lingering kiss, his voice a whisper against bowed lips. ]
I missed kissing you.
[ he smiles again, warm against his lover's mouth, his hands now smoothing up his abdomen, over his chest, appreciating every touch, every sensation, the slipperiness of the water between their bodies as he nudges both his nose and mouth alongside hades', closing his eyes, breathing him in, drinking in every familiar detail, the privilege of being near him. ]
I missed every little thing, the way you look when you smile, enjoying a glass of wine after dinner, sleeping beside you, sitting at the edge of your desk as you worked..
For every admission, he can feel guilt threatening to rise to the surface again, constricting around his heart. Though his hands, too, wander, though he cannot help but lean into that kiss with parted lips to steal a taste of what he has so long been denied, that Hythlodaeus can say such things with such certainty, with nothing but adoration and fondness in his voice, his gaze—
It is too much.
His jaw tenses, quickly averting his aurum gaze, and he props a hand against the wall of the shower to steady himself as every muscle in him goes rigid all at once, a swift and sudden reaction to the feeling of his own stomach dropping. He had been the one to say that he would never tire of hearing such things, and truly, he's certain he never will, and yet—]
I do not deserve you.
[He had already made his feelings plain, that he didn't feel he deserved this gift of time to begin with— but this is something more. He knows that Hythlodaeus loves him in spite of what he's done, who he had become, and he had admitted as such—
But he shouldn't.]
I don't know that I can ever truly be 'Hades' again, not as I once was. With you, it feels within reach— but it is a fantasy.
[ all at once the sweetness of the moment dissolves, and hythlodaeus can feel the hairline fracture cracking down the center of his heart. have they not already felt their fair share of pain? can they not have one single morning together where they abandon it, and allow themselves the sweet embrace of uncomplicated love and pleasure?
worst of all, is that hythlodaeus understands.
hades has changed. the millennia of weight he has carried has forever warped him. they never can have what they once possessed - a love so pure and easy and simple.. and hythlodaeus' heart breaks for it.
but he, too, is changed, for what he has endured. for his sacrifice, for his twelve-thousand years on the moon, for the loss of their world, their home, the loss of azem, and everyone else they once held dear. together, the two of them, are all that remain of an ancient legacy, a lovely, thriving time of beauty and unblemished happiness. yet venat had been right, and he can see it so easily now, in hermes' despair, in meteion's desperate song of oblivion, in hydaelyn's unflagging strength to do what must be done. ]
It is not for you to decide whether or not you deserve me.
[ he whispers, his voice so tender, so gentle, while his hands lift to cup hades' face, to keep him near, nuzzling his nose delicately along his lover's, sweet and intimate and affectionate. ]
It is for me to decide. You cannot look to the past any longer, my love, it is what drove you down your path to begin with. We are both of us changed, and you shall always carry with you the things you have done, but it is time to look forward.
[ his fingertips slip gently into hades' damp hair, thumbs coasting over his cheekbones. ]
Venat believed in you. As do I. Use what you have to do better. And I shall be here by your side every step of the way.
[Perhaps a time will come when they can have a morning untouched by the pain of the past, an entire day, weeks— but the wounds are old and deep, left to fester for far too many years, and have hardly begun to heal. It will take time, as all worthwhile things do. In so many things, Emet-Selch, Hades, has always considered himself to be patient— time, in the greater scheme of things, meant little to him.
For once, he wishes he could rush something. He wishes that patience was not required.
But Hythlodaeus is right. It is hardly for him to decide, is it? Regardless of what he feels, the choice is not his own. His chin tips downwards, his face coming to rest heavily in his lover's hands, his eyelids lowering as their noses touch, as even now, Hythlodaeus can say such things while showering him with affection.
Would that knowing the choice is not his were enough.]
Can 'better' ever be enough?
[It is a hoarse murmuring of a question, one he's not certain there's any real answer to.
'Better' is all he has, but it does not erase the past. He has learned, without a doubt, that the past must be left behind— but even now, walking this very star, there are countless lives that have been touched by his designs. Mankind, he has also learned, is far more resilient than he had ever been willing to give them credit for, but that is cold comfort to any who would recognize his face, understand even a fraction of what his actions had wrought.]
[ hades' head grows heavy in his hands, and hythlodaeus feels his heart sink. this is inevitable, really, and they shall swing wildly between moments of bliss and deep pits of despair until they find some sort of equilibrium. and even then.. ]
I cannot know.
[ he admits, honestly, for he has ever been open and honest with his loved ones, and hades deserves no less than the truth from him always. ]
But it is the best that you can do, both for yourself, and for the star.
[ hades' power is great, his wisdom boundless, and hythlodaeus believes in him so deeply, believes that he has lived, and carried great weight, that he has endured far too much for any single man, yet he has learned from it. he still has so much good to offer the world, and honestly, he owes it to them. he owes it to the lives lost, to the families destroyed, to the worlds ruined and lost. and for his part in it all, hythlodaeus owes it to the world to help him do it, to keep them both on their feet and see to it that they do what they can to see etheirys thrive.
again, he kisses hades' mouth, slow and soft and gently, tasting the water that moves down their faces, whispering against the bow of his lips. ]
I will be here to see to it that you do not falter.
[How can he possibly doubt, when Hythlodaeus believes in him so completely? It is not enough to set his anxious heart entirely at ease, but the grief and guilt that have done their best to constrict it loosen their hold, ever so slightly, and he cannot help but lean into that tender kiss, his own lips parting as though they've a mind of their own, eager to taste and drink in the comfort offered.
Of that, too, he is certain he is undeserving— but that is not his choice to make.]
If anything I do makes any difference, it will be because you are here.
[Without him, he does not know that he would even have the will to try— but he does not say so. It is too much, too great a burden to put on one so close to his heart, and he tangles his own fingers in the dampened strands of his lover's hair as he closes the hair's breadth of distance between them for another kiss, heartfelt and needful, his heart's own request for succor.]
I will do as I can. I only ask that you help me to remember the importance of this new purpose.
[Because though it remains unspoken, they both know. He owes it— and to do otherwise would be to flagrantly disregard this gift they have both been offered, whether he wanted it or not.]
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no subject
His burdens now were far greater, and even having been forced to put them down and given the chance to walk forward unhindered, he does not know how. Hythlodaeus has always done his part to help. That he continues to do so even now, even if it seems terribly small in the greater scheme of things, touches him more than he can say.
He exhales slowly; there's little tension left in him to begin with, given the night's deep sleep and the rough fuck they had started their morning with, but what small bit had remained ebbs away from him now, his shoulders dropping as warm water continues to beat against his skin.]
You're still quite good at that.
no subject
I remember what you like.
[ he could never forget. even if his mind lost the threads his body remembers, remembers how to touch hades, how to appreciate him, how to love him. it doesn't take long before hades' hair is clean beneath his fingers, and hythlodaeus gently urges his head beneath the spray again, to help wash away the soap until the water runs clear.
with the hot water against his back, hythlodaeus tips his brow to hades' and closes his eyes, both arms resting languidly around his shoulders. he hums, swaying gently in place while the warm shower beats down upon their bodies. ]
I cannot know how long it shall take me to stop saying how much I missed you..
no subject
His smile warms at the affectionate press of their brows, drawing his hand from the small of Hythlodaeus' back all the way up the length of his spine, allowing it to rest gently at the back of his neck as he closes his eyes in turn. It is a small but perfect moment, one in which he does not question who he is or where he belongs.
Hythlodaeus could never make him question his place in the world as it is now. Beyond the door to their room, he knows not if he even has the right to walk among the people who call this star home, but here, he can be himself, or something closer to who he once was.]
Say it as much as you like— I'll never tire of hearing it.
[Nor will he tire of saying it himself.]
I missed you.
[He thought they had said goodbye forever, and then, when the plan that had given him the faintest glimmer of hope that they might see one another had gone awry...
For so long, all he could do was content himself with a shadow of the past, an echo, and that was never going to be enough, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise.]
no subject
Then I shall say it as much as you like.
[ hythlodaeus' hands smooth over hades' broad shoulders, and down his arms. ]
I missed touching you.
[ his chin tips upward, stealing hades' mouth in another long, lingering kiss, his voice a whisper against bowed lips. ]
I missed kissing you.
[ he smiles again, warm against his lover's mouth, his hands now smoothing up his abdomen, over his chest, appreciating every touch, every sensation, the slipperiness of the water between their bodies as he nudges both his nose and mouth alongside hades', closing his eyes, breathing him in, drinking in every familiar detail, the privilege of being near him. ]
I missed every little thing, the way you look when you smile, enjoying a glass of wine after dinner, sleeping beside you, sitting at the edge of your desk as you worked..
[ everything. everything. ]
no subject
For every admission, he can feel guilt threatening to rise to the surface again, constricting around his heart. Though his hands, too, wander, though he cannot help but lean into that kiss with parted lips to steal a taste of what he has so long been denied, that Hythlodaeus can say such things with such certainty, with nothing but adoration and fondness in his voice, his gaze—
It is too much.
His jaw tenses, quickly averting his aurum gaze, and he props a hand against the wall of the shower to steady himself as every muscle in him goes rigid all at once, a swift and sudden reaction to the feeling of his own stomach dropping. He had been the one to say that he would never tire of hearing such things, and truly, he's certain he never will, and yet—]
I do not deserve you.
[He had already made his feelings plain, that he didn't feel he deserved this gift of time to begin with— but this is something more. He knows that Hythlodaeus loves him in spite of what he's done, who he had become, and he had admitted as such—
But he shouldn't.]
I don't know that I can ever truly be 'Hades' again, not as I once was. With you, it feels within reach— but it is a fantasy.
no subject
worst of all, is that hythlodaeus understands.
hades has changed. the millennia of weight he has carried has forever warped him. they never can have what they once possessed - a love so pure and easy and simple.. and hythlodaeus' heart breaks for it.
but he, too, is changed, for what he has endured. for his sacrifice, for his twelve-thousand years on the moon, for the loss of their world, their home, the loss of azem, and everyone else they once held dear. together, the two of them, are all that remain of an ancient legacy, a lovely, thriving time of beauty and unblemished happiness. yet venat had been right, and he can see it so easily now, in hermes' despair, in meteion's desperate song of oblivion, in hydaelyn's unflagging strength to do what must be done. ]
It is not for you to decide whether or not you deserve me.
[ he whispers, his voice so tender, so gentle, while his hands lift to cup hades' face, to keep him near, nuzzling his nose delicately along his lover's, sweet and intimate and affectionate. ]
It is for me to decide. You cannot look to the past any longer, my love, it is what drove you down your path to begin with. We are both of us changed, and you shall always carry with you the things you have done, but it is time to look forward.
[ his fingertips slip gently into hades' damp hair, thumbs coasting over his cheekbones. ]
Venat believed in you. As do I. Use what you have to do better. And I shall be here by your side every step of the way.
no subject
For once, he wishes he could rush something. He wishes that patience was not required.
But Hythlodaeus is right. It is hardly for him to decide, is it? Regardless of what he feels, the choice is not his own. His chin tips downwards, his face coming to rest heavily in his lover's hands, his eyelids lowering as their noses touch, as even now, Hythlodaeus can say such things while showering him with affection.
Would that knowing the choice is not his were enough.]
Can 'better' ever be enough?
[It is a hoarse murmuring of a question, one he's not certain there's any real answer to.
'Better' is all he has, but it does not erase the past. He has learned, without a doubt, that the past must be left behind— but even now, walking this very star, there are countless lives that have been touched by his designs. Mankind, he has also learned, is far more resilient than he had ever been willing to give them credit for, but that is cold comfort to any who would recognize his face, understand even a fraction of what his actions had wrought.]
no subject
I cannot know.
[ he admits, honestly, for he has ever been open and honest with his loved ones, and hades deserves no less than the truth from him always. ]
But it is the best that you can do, both for yourself, and for the star.
[ hades' power is great, his wisdom boundless, and hythlodaeus believes in him so deeply, believes that he has lived, and carried great weight, that he has endured far too much for any single man, yet he has learned from it. he still has so much good to offer the world, and honestly, he owes it to them. he owes it to the lives lost, to the families destroyed, to the worlds ruined and lost. and for his part in it all, hythlodaeus owes it to the world to help him do it, to keep them both on their feet and see to it that they do what they can to see etheirys thrive.
again, he kisses hades' mouth, slow and soft and gently, tasting the water that moves down their faces, whispering against the bow of his lips. ]
I will be here to see to it that you do not falter.
no subject
Of that, too, he is certain he is undeserving— but that is not his choice to make.]
If anything I do makes any difference, it will be because you are here.
[Without him, he does not know that he would even have the will to try— but he does not say so. It is too much, too great a burden to put on one so close to his heart, and he tangles his own fingers in the dampened strands of his lover's hair as he closes the hair's breadth of distance between them for another kiss, heartfelt and needful, his heart's own request for succor.]
I will do as I can. I only ask that you help me to remember the importance of this new purpose.
[Because though it remains unspoken, they both know. He owes it— and to do otherwise would be to flagrantly disregard this gift they have both been offered, whether he wanted it or not.]